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Sunday, September 24, 2006

Psychic Enemies Network

Just found this yesterday in an old notebook. It was written by some combination of Jake, Kris, and myself. Given how funny I find it, my conribution to it was probably minimal. Then again, it is in my notebook and in my handwriting, so I'll take credit as transcriptionist for Jake's cleverness.

Jake is sitting on the couch, reading. The phone rings. Jake picks up the phone.

Jake: Hello?

Voice on the phone: Mr. Jones? This is the Psychic Enemies Netowrk calling...

Jake: Listen- I'm not interested...

Voice on the phone: But you should be, sir. Dark forces may be gathering on the horizon, plotting your demise and destruction.

Jake: (annoyed) Excuse me?

Voice on the phone: We here at the Psychic Enemies Network provide the service of prognosticating the worst of all possible future.

Jake: Why would anyone want that?

Voice on the phone: Well, Mr. Jones, we've been running your star charts, turning your tarot, consulting the I-ching, and spilling the innards of a spring chicken, and feel that you may truly benefit from some foresight into the terrible fates that may soon befall you.

Jake: That's crap- we create our own futures.

Voice on the phone:True, and the future you're about to create for yourself could be pretty awful. For instance: that lump you felt in the shower this morning...


Jake: ...yeah?

Voice on the phone: ...well, I'll really need a major credit card. VISA is the preferred method of payment for the Psychic Enemies Network.

Jake scrambles for his wallet

Jake: Number 0742006770424101, expires 02/11!

Voice on the phone: Processing your payment information....ISN'T malignant.

Jake: Thank god!

Voice on the phone: But...if you authorize another payment to the Psychic Enemies Network in he amount of $500.00, we will refrain from telling your employer about the awful and embarassing thing you're going to do next week.

Jake: Why don't you just tell me what it is I'm going to do so I just avoid doing it altogether?

Voice on the phone: We could do that, sir- but that would require the purchase of a Psychic Enemies Network Platinum Account. This account would entitle you to warnings of all potential mistakes, blunders, natural disasters, sexually-transmitted disesases, as well as impending physical and mental ailments. The services includes policy forms for Lloyds of London to protect your financial interests, loved ones, and family should you still be unable to prevent the forecasted and above-mentioned fates. You also receive our monthly newsletter, The End is Neigh, for all the latest news is pessimistic prognostication. This membership, good for a year, costs $1,500.

Jake: So, for $500, you won't tell me boss whatever horrible thing you know I'm going to do, and for $1,500 you'll tell me what it is so I can prevent it.

Voice on the phone: Exactly.

Jake: Isn't that blackmail?

Voice on the phone: You can't dictate to the fates, Mr. Jones- and this is the Psychic Enemies Network!

Jake: Okay, okay- fine! I authorize the $1,500 for my Platinum Membership.

Voice on the phone: A wise decision, Mr. Jones. Now to your forecast. I see....a death. A death in your family...a death in your home.

Jake: Oh God- is it preventable?!

Voice on the phone: Maybe, maybe not. What we can do, since you're not a Platinum Member, is keep your forecasts up to date, making sure that whatever party is about to expire will have a generous life insurance policy from Lloyds of London, half the benefits of which will be payable to the Psychic Enemies Network.

Jake: What a relief! Will you call with updates soon?

Voice on the phone: We will, Mr. Jones. Expect to hear from us on Friday.

Jake: Okay!

Voice on the phone: Ohhh....better make it Thursday

Jake: Why?

We see the Psychic sitting at her desk with a bottle of poison and a prescription bottle with the name "Jacob Jones" printed on its label.

Psychic: Trust us, Mr. Jones.

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