Got this the other day from an old friend:
I realize I've said some pretty incendiary things over the last several months, and I just want to reach out "across the aisle," if you will, in a sincere attempt to forge a genuinely bipartisan, apolitical, nonjudgemental foundation-of-friendship and mutual respect amongst all of us. To that end, I would like to offer up some completely neutral & unbiased information that each of you may use however you wish to further the betterment and quality of your own lives.
To get right to the point: last week I tried Paul Newman's new low-fat Soy Ginger salad dressing, and GODD*MN if that isn't a tasty friggin' concoction! Seriously, you toss that over your fresh or cooked veggies and you have got yourselves some fantastic eating. Mmm-mmm!!! That's precisely the way I've phrased it to Jane every night at the dinner table for the last week: "mmm-mmm!!!" (Well, alright, maybe I tossed in a few rounds of "godd*mn, baby!" in there too.)
Please believe me when I tell you I have hereby spoken in a wholly uncompromised spirit of interpersonal bridge-building and a deeply felt desire for the abolishment of any sort of ethical/political animosity between any of us; and I really hope we can use this message as a springboard to move forward together - together as one - as an impartial, unbiased, non-grudge-bearing group of like-minded, kinder and gentler Americans for a truly communal platform of productivity, progress and compassion.
Oh, and while I'm at it, f*ck George W. Bush in the ear, and f*ck him in his other ear, too, and f*ck him in the ass for closers.
Ever so kindly & gently yours,